Updated: October 10, 2007
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Lie-Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillarys clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After
several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Mamou.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow that was having any difficulty breeding with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Lafayette to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed!
They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it
was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"
LEAVING WORK EARLY....
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed.
"I almost got caught yesterday."
YOU MIGHT BE A TALIBAN IF..........
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You've ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ***** look too big?"
...You've felt the urge to "rub her out" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
...You wipe your ***** with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another grenade from 50 yards down a chimney,
and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself.
"He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football and sure enough the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You have disappointed us. You are not my son!" "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"
The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!"
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I
just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy
is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse
is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this
cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it
immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something
wrong with the emergency brake."
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Well, in that case...send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
A blonde calls her boyfriend almost in tears:
"I have a jigsaw puzzle of a Tiger but I cannot find any pieces that fit together." she says.
"Are you sure that it is a Tiger?" he asks.
"Yes. That's the picture on the box."
"Okay, I'll be over to help."
He arrives shortly and she shows him the puzzle pieces. He is silent for a few moments and then says:
"Go heat up some water, please. I'm going to make you some tea."
To which she replies, "Are we going to do the puzzle afterwards?"
He says, "No. We can't do this puzzle, so I want to make you a nice soothing cup of tea and have you relax for a while. But first I am going to put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you
are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground. You are at 31 degrees,
14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded,! "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist.
"How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are,
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there".
I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
1973 vs 2007:
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack of his truck.
·1973: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his truck and gets his to show Jack.
·2007: School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.
Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
·1973: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
·2007: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
·1973: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
·2007: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
·1973: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
·2007: Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
·1973: Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
·2007: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
·1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
·2007: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
·1973: Ants die.
·2007: BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
·1973: In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
·2007: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
Superman
One day superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?" "Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman. "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."
"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?" "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my *** is killing me."
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!'
Teaching Math through the decades*
Last week a I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00
and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it
to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered,
holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her
register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me
two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to
explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears. The incident got
me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his
profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set
"M." The set "C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points
than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees.
(There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that
his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La
cuesta de production es ...
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as large as necessary.
Take 2.50: To the engineer, the capacity of the container has been over designed by a factor of approximately 1.905 assuming a 5% volume for the sloshing safety factor.
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's have a word with him. " (dramatic pause) "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Comprehending Engineers - Take 4
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly...
One chalk mark:
$1
Knowing where to put it:
$49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features." ----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
An artist, an architect and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done!"
IF you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways ... through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill ... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter.... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up.... we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Subject: Moral question
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. Answer honestly!!!
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
You have two options: you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Only the Irish have jokes like these:
1. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
2. An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
3. Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ..
It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since got out of college and I just flat-azz love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too.
What firm are you with?"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The Woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!!"
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Updated: March 23, 2007
The Guys' Rules
*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to d o something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Church was in full swing.... Pews were packed.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
“Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
"Well, why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Ted Nugent on deer hunting.
He was being interviewed by a British journalist.
The journalist asked,"What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?
Or is it, Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is,
'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.
'They are very much like the French in that way.
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener is hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....
"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one
day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any
money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he
emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces
of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope
you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand?"
This guy is walking along the ocean beach on day and he found a bottle,
he figured it would look pretty nice if he was to polish it and up and display it at his cabin,
well he takes it home gets out an old polishing cloth and starts to polish it,
and out pops this genie and says I can grant you any wish you would like,
the guy thinks a few minutes and he ask the genie to build him a bridge from his cabin all the way to hawaii,
the genie rolls his eyes and says man why is it you guys always ask for such a hard task? dont you realize how much work that is,
how much brain power, materials and different things it takes to build a bridge that long I'm now saying it is imposible but it sure is a lot of work.
The guy get to thinking and he decides that what he asked for is really unrealistic and he probably wouldnt use it much anyway,
so he says to the genie yea I guess you are right so hey how about instead of the bridge why dont you explain women to me.
Well the genie looks him right in the eye and says, hey do you want that bridge to be a 2 lane or a 4 lane.
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you
Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and
says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, I am from Middle East , I am not
American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I! am from Russia !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
My name is Norm and I AM CANADIAN
I am a minority in Vancouver , Toronto and every casino in this country.
I was born in 1958, yet I am responsible for some FIRST NATIONS PEOPLE BEING SCREWED OUT OF THEIR LAND in the 1700's.
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant. These same people cannot name this country's new territory.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft dinner and don't have a pot to piss in,
I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec Still provides my nation's prime ministers.
95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.
I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that matter.
I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
I believe that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.
I believe spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or recognize
the English language.
I believe that paying $30 million for 3 Stripes ("The Voice of Fire painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase,
Even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.
When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make,
I say "Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans."
I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry because I control the rain.
My national anthem has versions in both official languages and I don't know either of them.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest Military buffer for the United States,
and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.
I am not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer who is f***ing broke.
My name is Norm, and I am Canadian
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. With the instructions at the entrance:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you may not go back down except to exit.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor No. 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner has opened "The Wife Store" across the street.
Floor 1 has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited..
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.
There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.` Because I`m not a liberal Democrat.`
`Then,` asks the teacher, `What are you?`
`Why I`m a proud conservative Republican,` boasts the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why sheis a conservative Republican.
`Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking.
My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.
`The teacher, now angry, loudly says, `That`s no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?
`She pauses, and lets out a smile. `Then,` Lucy says, `I`d be a liberal Democrat.`
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good
in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told
him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
He!!, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president,and as Senator of New York this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this!
I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he an d his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the
rest of your day:
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of
brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.
Now, there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."
If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an Inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" (Matzo: a very thin, brittle biscuit of unleavened bread)
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick.."
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to
words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for
an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a
stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would
be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a
great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.
Great news often accompanies great grief; there is always a light at the end of the tunnel; and, so it is with the crabby wife.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife,"said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really
great news. Which do you want to hear first?
" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty- fivepound king crabs and
6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, ! Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began
His round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
Terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he
remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
Your round of golf didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past
Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the
rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her
care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed
The doctor snickered and said, "Just ****ing with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention
and asked, "Sir, what will you have".
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, String
Theory, interstell ar space travel, the latest medical break-throughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have. "A martini please".
Again it was super! b. The robot again asked. "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
The robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball
scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. He left, returned and took a
stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, "Uh... about 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...
A-r-e... y-o-u-r... p-e-o-p-l-e... g-o-i-n-g...
t-o... n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e... H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 .
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING.
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance .
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says,"You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house!"
2008 Democratic Convention
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French President Jacques Chirac.
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay with Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore.
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home
An Indian (feather, not dot) walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table,
grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"! He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar ! again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. He asks, "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the Bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball,
he measures everything first."
One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.
I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate..
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi ,
NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant,
and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began
to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief,
"What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
The Truth About Rye Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
Century Village bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this **** but me.
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a
member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked
to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want
you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15
minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God.
I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes
when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor,
and cold-clocked him; knocking him off the platform. The
professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other
students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in
silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you
do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today
protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say
stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."
The Pope decided to take a couple of days off to visit the mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. His chauffeur was cruising along a campground
when he saw a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless
Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat,
and a "Down with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically
and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing
up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's
grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and
two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental
activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that
guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven
and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to
all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way,
is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
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My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,
the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral)!
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
Baby's First Exam
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed, "she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the Doctor requested.
She did...He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the Doctor said, "No
wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came
Republican or Democrat?
One time there was a young teenage girl who was about to finish her first year of college.
She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.
He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough.
She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying.
She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.
He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by.
She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. She was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time.
She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.
He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it
to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.
The daughter fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".
The father smiled and said: "Welcome to the Republican Party".
The Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this
With you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili."
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the nuts," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the nuts," insisted the Sergeant. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the nuts.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire.
In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Sergeant was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning?
Why did you ask them to kick you in the nuts first?"
What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?"
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States
when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean,
me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS
RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a
mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham,
steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once.
He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
Doc, says Steve, I want to be castrated.
What on earth for? asks the doctor in amazement.
It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done replies Steve.
But have you thought it through properly? asks the doctor, It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back.
It will change your life forever!
I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor.
Well, OK. says the doctor, But it's against my better judgment!
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
Hi there, says Steve, It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.
Well, said the patient, I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "DAMN! THAT'S the word!"
Dear Dona:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront
him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all
day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull**** with his buddies while I have to work to pay the
bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I
may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator
from New York. Act like one.
Signed, Dona
Everything below was collected in the 1990's
Clinton and the Pope died the same day.
By a mistake Clinton went up to heaven and the pope down to hell.
The pope complained furiously to the management which admitted doing a mistake and the day after they replaced places.
On the way up the Pope met Clinton and shouted at him "How dare you go up to heaven taking my place?
All of my life I've been waiting to meet Virgin Mary" to which Clinton responded "You are 24 hours late. She is not a virgin anymore".
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
-- Murphy's First Law
Everything takes longer than you think.
-- Murphy's Second Law
Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
-- Murphy's Third Law
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
-- Murphy's Fourth Law
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
-- Murphy's Fifth Law
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for,
will promptly develop.
-- Murphy's Sixth Law
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
-- Murphy's Seventh Law
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
-- Farnsdick's corollary
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
-- Murphy's Eighth Law
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-- Murphy's Ninth Law
Mother Nature is a bitch.
-- Murphy's Tenth Law
It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.
-- Murphy's Eleventh Law
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-- Harvard's Law
The real world is a special case.
-- Horngren's Observation
There are two rules for success...
1) Never tell everything you know.
-- Roger H. Lincoln
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
-- L. Peter Deutch
Mostly, when you see programmers, they aren't doing anything.
One of the attractive things about programmers is that you cannot tell
Whether or not they are working simply by looking at them.
Very often they're sitting there seemingly drinking coffee and
gossiping, or just staring into space.
What the programmer is trying to do is get a handle on all the
Individual and unrelated ideas that are scampering around in his head.
-- Charles M. Strauss
It is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....
* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"...
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about
her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery.
They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey,
but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
Here's the answer to the question "why is my salary so low?":
About your salary:
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work
---------- = Power
Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have
Work
--------- = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
----------- = Money
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more money you make.
P.S: Please dont forward this to our boss.
"The Predicted Top 10 Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths"
10) Ellen DeGeneres- Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci- Trips & breaks neck while running up the steps to accept an Emmy
8) Jenny McCarthy- Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra- Killed by strangers in the night
6) RuPaul- Prostate Cancer
5) OJ Simpson- Murdered by the *Real Killer* in an apparent suicide
4) Madonna- Exposure
3) Unabomber- Mail bomb returned due to *insufficient postage*
2) Al Gore- Dutch Elm disease
1) Bill Gates- Falls out a Window
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot Universe? (Y/N/Q)_
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to.
She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.
The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin.
The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass.
The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business.
When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's."
The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears at humping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises
and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says,
"Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?"
The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert post. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old,
seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere,
and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore,
so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.
The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.
As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant,
"Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. Straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they
Find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off
The lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides
to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple
signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
And squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
Over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a
Great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have
Sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want
To have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
Misspelled?!? Impossible, my modem is error correcting.
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar in New York City and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to
him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked
him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, ma'am I have spent my whole life on the
ranch, herding cows, breaking horses and mending fences - I guess I
am."
After a short while he asked her what she did. She replied, "I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up
in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that
I'm a lesbian."
Engineers Explained
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who
have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented
people is to understand their motivations.
This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned
their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane
Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of
grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your
life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this
test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-
powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your
belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social interaction:
* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
* Important social contacts
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:
* Get it over with as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects, known
and unknown, to the universe.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
categories: (1) Things that need to be fixed, and (2) Things that will
need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet. And fix it anyway.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a
shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of
sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the Starship Enterprise
are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.
This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which
consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the
participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ
various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression
of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are
widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,
dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's
true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer,
most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus
producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long
before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties
to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible
men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer
if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things
that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be
expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed
below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation
while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability
to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything
else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be
pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas
have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody
with a technical degree or experience in computer programming is
propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps
out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This
is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little
mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS:
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent
people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to
avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible
for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach
is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back
to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will
cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges
quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws
of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a
problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed
in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better
than sex--even the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something
along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to
solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank
goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African King who was a
very important client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry
him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers
what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries
to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry
her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will marry
you under three conditions. First, i want my engagement ring to be a
75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."
The African man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No
problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the
man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a
vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine
country in France."
The king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls
some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He
looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I
build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time t think and
finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her
eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "I want the man I
marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something
in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man
shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, Okay. I
cut. I cut."
IMAGINE IF INSTEAD OF CRYPTIC, GEEKY TEXT STRINGS,
YOUR COMPUTER PRODUCED ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU...
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure = gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test
tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead =
of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes =
them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the